This is one of the most important essays I've ever read and the first one I've ever restacked. I got lucky (<- crucial to acknowledge this) meeting my husband at age 30 when the comments about how it would be too late for me to have kids soon were really ramping up. We started out as friends who just had fun all the time. Over a decade later- we still have fun all the time. And a big part of that is gratitude. A little unspoken rule in our house is that both of us always say "please" and "thank you." That seems silly, but after your 10th anniversary, it's nice to hear "Would you please feed the dogs?" or "Thank you for taking out the trash." Every little kindness (a sister of fun) deserves attention. You stop having fun when you stop paying attention. I just think the whole idea of making yourself fun to love is spot-on and I'm so happy I took the time to read this. Thank you for writing it!
I absolutely love this post. This is so 100% true I wish I could like it a hundred times and blast it into the eyeballs of every lovelorn person out there who insists upon thinking that their desired sex is just too shallow or only cares about height, bodily dimensions, income, education, blah blah blah whatever it is they're fixated on.
Yes, those things matter, but often simply as a bar to clear. But if you're someone who's never had trouble hooking up or getting interest, but can never get past that initial point, there's a 90% chance that it's because you're simply not fun, or an ungrateful, critical pain who makes everyone's day less enjoyable, or just have a stick up your butt. :) The other 10% it's because they have the opposite problem and are too crazy and unpredictable/unreliable.
My dad was a prime grade A catch on every measure, on paper. Tall, handsome, fit, looked like Hans Solo in his prime, PhD from an Ivy and illustrious career as a scientist, responsible and respected.
My mom left him. When he went on the market he had women fighting over him, I remember being a kid and he'd take me to a party and there was always one woman crying in the bathroom over him, they called at all hours. He got remarried. My step-mom has had to issue 3 ultimatums to him to shape up or she was leaving, she twice actually moved out into her own apartment, and it's perfectly obvious she looked forward to him dying so she can enjoy life again. Why is this? Because despite being Mr. Tall Handsome Esteemed Affluent guy, he:
1. Criticizes EVERYTHING, all the time.
2. Looks down on everyone and everything.
3. Considers basically nothing and no one in life to live up to his standards.
4. Complains non-stop.
5. Never in a happy or playful or light-hearted mood, unless he's had a bottle of wine.
6. Zero sense of humor unless it's pointed at disparaging someone, can't take a joke about himself (and god forbid would never MAKE a joke about himself).
Insufferable downers are just that -- insufferable. They make your life worse, being around them everyday -- no matter how smart, hot, rich, high-status whatever they might be.
Learning to cultivate a light heart and a sense of humor are a virtue people should work towards. Having gratitude instead of perpetual complaints and criticism is too. Making everyone always have to dance around you, trying to massage you into a good mood and prevent you from ruining everyone's time, is exhausting.
It's insane how unaware some people are of their behavior and how it makes them look. Like brother you're not perfect, let's just be perfectly clear about that.
I've known a few people approximately like your father. Although he sounds like pretty much the extreme version of it.
Which by the way, I have tremendous respect for your being emotionally willing to see and accept that. Something that eternally bothers me about people is putting family above all, and I mean literally all - even basic values. Being unwilling to label their family members just straight up bad people, because "well it's family, and you only get one of those."
Yes, precisely, it's family and you only get one of those. I would think you would defend your family from people like that - not let them poison it forever. Family means nothing if they don't act like family.
Also, thank you. Glad you enjoyed this. I wish I could stop writing about relationships, but it seems I can't.
I mean, I love my dad, he's the only I've got so, what are you going to do? But he's a jerk. I fully understand why my mom left and why my step-mom has tried a few times. It's okay for me to be around him for a few days, but living day in and day out for years on end with a guy who is just always picking and criticizing EVERYTHING and truly DOES think he's perfect and just surrounded by idiots...it's intolerable. And just kind of like a dark cloud over every day.
I'm sure there are women like this too...moms/wives who always have something critical to say, who are always picking and can never just settle down and be happy or have fun for two seconds. Lucky for me I've had little to no experience with that type, but I've heard about them.
The worst part is when someone really COULD be awesome. Like they have a lot going for them, they have a good life, they're smart and together. But for some reason they just can't get that metaphorical stick out of their butt, which is really a shame because it wouldn't just make others' lives better, it would help them enjoy their own life more too!
You have no idea how impactful this post is on me. It makes sense of many of the relationships I have with other people and unfortunately forces me to consider whether I am fun to love. Lots of introspection to do after reading this. Thank you for your insight.
Yep. Had to end a friendship because no matter what i did I was doing something wrong or hurting them. I got tired of abandoning myself just to be called a perpetrator.
Have a first playthrough of a game that they are also interested in (as we twnded to stream games to each other) - they told me that they are hurt and it felt to them like i'm cheating on them. Even though i have no problem of replaying the game just to stream it to them. Somehow for them my firsf reactions to things were important to them. Thing is, their commentaries tended to ruin my firat experience: me being there immersing in the world, feeling what the characters felt - them commenting about technical stuff and doing critiques, which ruins my immersion. I can recall my first reactions and replay them when replaying, but then i get hit with "that's not your original reaction (or deduction) because you already know what will happen". You can't win.
Took a month of hiatus when they said that i didn't put effort into our friendship. It pissed me very off. I gave them 3 hours of my time 4 days a week, which resulted in me constantly sleeping for 5 hours (due to us finishing around midnight and me having to wake up around 5:30 for work) and i was listening to them complain/vent about the same thing over and over again without hearing anything about them tryi g to do something about their situation.
The straw that broke the camels back was when i informed them that i will be unaviable for a week due to sick leave. After the sick leave one of the first things they had said was "it was your fault that i didn't talk to anyone for the whole week". When later i tried to adress it - they insisted that they never said that and that i was projecting. Then i watched some videos about projection and realised that a lot of the things they were blaming me were actually them projecting their stuff onto me (as the things they were accusing me of were bs and were more fitting their situation).
A bit more difficult situation is with grandma. Whatever we do - she still complains that we don't do the right things. Like she complained that i wasn't going out and when i started to go out - she complained that i was going out. Or she complains that dad doesn't tidy up. When he tidies up, she then finds another thing she didn't do that according to her should be done. Dad is her only child and we still love her, so we try to endure to the best of our ability (though it tends to make us more snappy at each other when we are at home (grandma doesn't live with us)).
That's a shame. I know the kinds of relationships you're describing. It's like this endless chase where you're trying to figure out how to please them, and then you figure it out, and then they change the goal. They complain anyway.
I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody should have to deal with relationships like that.
34 and still single? Clearly with this post you are ready to be a great partner. The people who ask 'Why don't you just pick one?' ask a good question. Rather than wait for someone to appear, make the appearance happen. It could be someone you already know.
This is one of the most important essays I've ever read and the first one I've ever restacked. I got lucky (<- crucial to acknowledge this) meeting my husband at age 30 when the comments about how it would be too late for me to have kids soon were really ramping up. We started out as friends who just had fun all the time. Over a decade later- we still have fun all the time. And a big part of that is gratitude. A little unspoken rule in our house is that both of us always say "please" and "thank you." That seems silly, but after your 10th anniversary, it's nice to hear "Would you please feed the dogs?" or "Thank you for taking out the trash." Every little kindness (a sister of fun) deserves attention. You stop having fun when you stop paying attention. I just think the whole idea of making yourself fun to love is spot-on and I'm so happy I took the time to read this. Thank you for writing it!
It is absolutely my pleasure.
Your marriage sounds beautiful. It sounds like what I want. I admire you for having it.
I wish you the best of luck- and encourage you to hold out.
I absolutely love this post. This is so 100% true I wish I could like it a hundred times and blast it into the eyeballs of every lovelorn person out there who insists upon thinking that their desired sex is just too shallow or only cares about height, bodily dimensions, income, education, blah blah blah whatever it is they're fixated on.
Yes, those things matter, but often simply as a bar to clear. But if you're someone who's never had trouble hooking up or getting interest, but can never get past that initial point, there's a 90% chance that it's because you're simply not fun, or an ungrateful, critical pain who makes everyone's day less enjoyable, or just have a stick up your butt. :) The other 10% it's because they have the opposite problem and are too crazy and unpredictable/unreliable.
My dad was a prime grade A catch on every measure, on paper. Tall, handsome, fit, looked like Hans Solo in his prime, PhD from an Ivy and illustrious career as a scientist, responsible and respected.
My mom left him. When he went on the market he had women fighting over him, I remember being a kid and he'd take me to a party and there was always one woman crying in the bathroom over him, they called at all hours. He got remarried. My step-mom has had to issue 3 ultimatums to him to shape up or she was leaving, she twice actually moved out into her own apartment, and it's perfectly obvious she looked forward to him dying so she can enjoy life again. Why is this? Because despite being Mr. Tall Handsome Esteemed Affluent guy, he:
1. Criticizes EVERYTHING, all the time.
2. Looks down on everyone and everything.
3. Considers basically nothing and no one in life to live up to his standards.
4. Complains non-stop.
5. Never in a happy or playful or light-hearted mood, unless he's had a bottle of wine.
6. Zero sense of humor unless it's pointed at disparaging someone, can't take a joke about himself (and god forbid would never MAKE a joke about himself).
Insufferable downers are just that -- insufferable. They make your life worse, being around them everyday -- no matter how smart, hot, rich, high-status whatever they might be.
Learning to cultivate a light heart and a sense of humor are a virtue people should work towards. Having gratitude instead of perpetual complaints and criticism is too. Making everyone always have to dance around you, trying to massage you into a good mood and prevent you from ruining everyone's time, is exhausting.
Excellent advice here.
It's insane how unaware some people are of their behavior and how it makes them look. Like brother you're not perfect, let's just be perfectly clear about that.
I've known a few people approximately like your father. Although he sounds like pretty much the extreme version of it.
Which by the way, I have tremendous respect for your being emotionally willing to see and accept that. Something that eternally bothers me about people is putting family above all, and I mean literally all - even basic values. Being unwilling to label their family members just straight up bad people, because "well it's family, and you only get one of those."
Yes, precisely, it's family and you only get one of those. I would think you would defend your family from people like that - not let them poison it forever. Family means nothing if they don't act like family.
Also, thank you. Glad you enjoyed this. I wish I could stop writing about relationships, but it seems I can't.
I mean, I love my dad, he's the only I've got so, what are you going to do? But he's a jerk. I fully understand why my mom left and why my step-mom has tried a few times. It's okay for me to be around him for a few days, but living day in and day out for years on end with a guy who is just always picking and criticizing EVERYTHING and truly DOES think he's perfect and just surrounded by idiots...it's intolerable. And just kind of like a dark cloud over every day.
I'm sure there are women like this too...moms/wives who always have something critical to say, who are always picking and can never just settle down and be happy or have fun for two seconds. Lucky for me I've had little to no experience with that type, but I've heard about them.
The worst part is when someone really COULD be awesome. Like they have a lot going for them, they have a good life, they're smart and together. But for some reason they just can't get that metaphorical stick out of their butt, which is really a shame because it wouldn't just make others' lives better, it would help them enjoy their own life more too!
Also very true. Plenty of these people really would be cool as hell if they'd just settle down and be humble.
You have no idea how impactful this post is on me. It makes sense of many of the relationships I have with other people and unfortunately forces me to consider whether I am fun to love. Lots of introspection to do after reading this. Thank you for your insight.
My pleasure. Unfortunately I also had to do some introspection after this one. Haha... such is the price of putting something into words.
Cheers man thanks for the feedback.
Yep. Had to end a friendship because no matter what i did I was doing something wrong or hurting them. I got tired of abandoning myself just to be called a perpetrator.
Have a first playthrough of a game that they are also interested in (as we twnded to stream games to each other) - they told me that they are hurt and it felt to them like i'm cheating on them. Even though i have no problem of replaying the game just to stream it to them. Somehow for them my firsf reactions to things were important to them. Thing is, their commentaries tended to ruin my firat experience: me being there immersing in the world, feeling what the characters felt - them commenting about technical stuff and doing critiques, which ruins my immersion. I can recall my first reactions and replay them when replaying, but then i get hit with "that's not your original reaction (or deduction) because you already know what will happen". You can't win.
Took a month of hiatus when they said that i didn't put effort into our friendship. It pissed me very off. I gave them 3 hours of my time 4 days a week, which resulted in me constantly sleeping for 5 hours (due to us finishing around midnight and me having to wake up around 5:30 for work) and i was listening to them complain/vent about the same thing over and over again without hearing anything about them tryi g to do something about their situation.
The straw that broke the camels back was when i informed them that i will be unaviable for a week due to sick leave. After the sick leave one of the first things they had said was "it was your fault that i didn't talk to anyone for the whole week". When later i tried to adress it - they insisted that they never said that and that i was projecting. Then i watched some videos about projection and realised that a lot of the things they were blaming me were actually them projecting their stuff onto me (as the things they were accusing me of were bs and were more fitting their situation).
A bit more difficult situation is with grandma. Whatever we do - she still complains that we don't do the right things. Like she complained that i wasn't going out and when i started to go out - she complained that i was going out. Or she complains that dad doesn't tidy up. When he tidies up, she then finds another thing she didn't do that according to her should be done. Dad is her only child and we still love her, so we try to endure to the best of our ability (though it tends to make us more snappy at each other when we are at home (grandma doesn't live with us)).
That's a shame. I know the kinds of relationships you're describing. It's like this endless chase where you're trying to figure out how to please them, and then you figure it out, and then they change the goal. They complain anyway.
I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody should have to deal with relationships like that.
34 and still single? Clearly with this post you are ready to be a great partner. The people who ask 'Why don't you just pick one?' ask a good question. Rather than wait for someone to appear, make the appearance happen. It could be someone you already know.
I need to try harder. I've been staying at home too much