Everybody is sick, to some extent. Everybody has their demons, their struggles, their excesses.
Everybody feels just about the full range of human emotions, from pride and happiness all the way down to hatred and contempt. Everybody has the capacity in them to treat other human beings awfully. And yet everyone also has the capacity for overwhelming kindness and brightness.
When I say everybody is sick, I don’t mean “twisted” (although most of us are that, too). And I don’t mean that everybody is feeling under the weather, per se (although most of us are now clinically depressed). What I mean is that everybody is spiritually sick. Not at peace with our inner selves. Everybody could use a good cleansing. A good old-fashioned epiphany where we unlock a gigantic capacity for self-love and self-kindness.
When we’re sick, we treat others poorly and we treat ourselves poorly. “Hurt people hurt people,” they say — and that’s as true as it gets. That’s what people do to each other. We hurt others because of the pain inside of us. And we continue to hurt ourselves because we’re not healing.
I’ve been in some low places. And I’ve seen others in some low places. And the thing that led us there, in almost all cases, was one singular human emotion. No matter who you are, there is one enemy that you have above all others. There is one emotion you must avoid at all costs: resentment.
Resentment is, by far, the most gripping and destructive human emotion. It can turn Olympic athletes into gutter rats. It can turn business heroes into divorced husbands with self pities of grandeur. And it can turn just about anyone into a drug addict, an alcoholic, or an escape artist.
Resentment will take a human being and turn him into the most bitter and undesirable version of himself. It will turn a man upside down, shake loose everything that is good, steal his lunch money, and leave him an empty shell of himself.
I have seen resentment tear people down to nothing. And I have also seen resentment kill people. Like, take people who were alive and make them dead. Through their substance abuse.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, they have all kinds of cute sayings and slogans and catch phrases. And to newcomers they sound like nothing more than old-guy jokes that washed-out old bums say to make themselves feel less like degenerates and more like bearers of an illness. “Oh ha-ha, good one old timer, but I think I understand modern life a little better than you. You’re just a dumb old drunk, I’m not like you.”
And it never stops making me laugh how the old timers are right every single time. It makes me laugh out loud. The old timers and their catch phrases are undefeated. They cannot lose. Because they’ve been saying this stuff the whole time and it’s always been true.
Things like “it works if you work it” (meaning the 12-step program).
Things like “my addiction is out in the parking lot doing push-ups; if I don’t work out, it’s going to kill me.”
Things like “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
That last one always stuck with me.
Another line that always stuck with me, directly from the AA book, is “resentment is the number one offender.” The author of the AA book, Bill Wilson, told the reader precisely the conditions that lead someone to relapse. And he ominously asserted that resentment is by far the most common and dangerous reason.
You might think I’m ridiculous for using alcoholics as an illustration for a point that’s supposed to be about all of us. But, honest to God, I cannot think of a better illustration. We are all alcoholics — we just don’t all happen to use alcohol as our drug of choice.
For some of us the drug of choice is working too much. For some of us it’s abusing our family members. For some of us it’s gambling, or playing video games, or escaping life by constantly reading fantasy novels or daydreaming about shit we’ll never have. We all have our terrible coping mechanisms, and we all have our things that we’re running from. It just happens to be a bit more destructive and illegal with substance abusers. That makes it more salient, but by no means does that make it “worse.”
And behind every angry or hateful person, one hundred and two times out of a hundred, is some sort of resentment. Behind every bitter and contemptuous old snot is something that he just can’t stop hating. Behind the old me was a resentment of the world for not recognizing how much of a superstar I was (which was nonsense, obviously). Resentment of people in my life for not seeing things my way. Resentment of my high school classmates for not wanting to be friends with me.
People resent institutions for not delivering happiness and prosperity unto them. Sometimes we resent someone who we perceive slighted us or got ahead of us unfairly. The guy who got promoted at work. The girl that our best friend can’t stop hanging out with.
Our significant others. Jesus friend, there’s the big one. How many people do you know who resent their wives, husbands, girlfriends, and boyfriends? Probably a few too god damn many.
It tricks you into thinking you are owed something. It tricks you into thinking the world is wrong while you and only you are right. You can either let yourself go, or you can let go of your ego. Those are the only two options.
Ever since I got sober, I have learned how to do two things above all others: practice gratitude, and avoid resentment. They are equally vital. Avoiding resentment is an active part of my life. An actively managed process that I must constantly mind. And it’s not easy, but it is simple.
So.
Having said all that… how do we do it? How do we avoid resentment?
First of all, accept that other people are sick. They do messed up things because they’re messed up. They do things that aren’t spiritually healthy because they aren’t spiritually healthy. And, according to nine out of ten dentists, neither are you.
Don’t hold the world accountable for your happiness. That’s on you.
The way I think about it is this: no matter what happens, I cannot afford to be resentful. Because it’s not going to make the world a more just place. It’s not going to deliver me to the promised land or set things right. In most cases, the other party doesn’t even know (or care) that I resent them. I cannot afford to be resentful because all it does it hurt me.
Second, practice acceptance. No matter what happens, on any given day or night of your life, remember this: you have no choice but to accept it. Because it is reality. It happened. And there’s nothing you can do about it other than what you can do about it. Accept things as they are, change what you can, and embrace the serenity that comes with knowing the difference.
And finally, the action step. This is where most people end up resenting me. This is where I really hope you, my reader and friend, will embrace an active approach to managing this emotion. Recently I posted a few tweets on how to do this.
The idea is: take your inventory.
In case you can’t access that link, here are the tweets:
Take your inventory in four steps.
1. Write down what's bothering you. Could be a resentment. Or a fear.
The shame or guilt of something you've done (or haven't done). Could be a sexual problem.
Could be anything that is stealing your serenity.
2. Describe it. In detail. Do not skip the details - the details will save your life. Be as specific as you can.
Describe what happened or what you did or what someone did to you. Or what you're afraid of, or what is eating at you.
3. Explain why it eats at you. Is it hurting your ego? Your pride? Is it shameful?
Did you betray your own values? Did someone whom you counted on betray your values?
Are your beliefs shaken?
Are you afraid of not getting what you want?
4. Sit down with someone you trust, who will not judge you. Someone who just wants to help.
Tell them everything. Just speak about it. Allow them to relate. Tell stories.
Allow them to say to you "it's not that bad. You can move on now."
This four-step system saved my life.
And then, repeat this until your mind is clear and serene. Clean up everything. Leave no stone unturned.
And repeat this process every day or as often as needed. You’ll never immunize yourself against resentment, fear, shame, or anything else. There is no vaccine for unpleasant human emotions.
But treatment is possible. You can damn near eliminate the problem if you get good enough at taking your inventory. Make a system out of it, and incorporate that system viscerally into your being.
James Clear said “you do not rise to the level of your goals — you fall to the level of your systems.”
And this system, coupled with acceptance and gratitude, will help you avoid the worst thing life has to offer.
Drink water just because you should,
JDR
“You can die with this disease, or you can die from this disease. The choice is yours.” - Countless unnamed alcoholics