One important mental framework that you can develop over time is to look at yourself in the third person.
Think of yourself as the character in a story. The story, of course, is your life. With its vicissitudes and randomness and conflicts and triumphs. With its unprovoked horrible unfairness and relentlessly unreasonable suffering, and its moments of luck and delight and ecstasy. Life. And the character, then, is whoever you want to be or think you should be.
See yourself as the protagonist of a story. A compelling story. An interesting story. A story worth hearing.
See yourself as a protagonist, but not “the” protagonist. None of us is the main character for anyone but ourselves. When people speak as if they are the main character of something, I stop listening. I don’t want to hear that silly shit. And I expect them to do the same to me. As much as our egos want us to be “the main character” (a disease that the TikTok generation seriously struggles with), we know that we’re not.
What you do want, however, is to be someone who has a story worth telling. Someone worth talking to. Someone who has done things that mean something, who has experienced things worth recounting. You want to be someone who accepts life as it comes, and turns it into something worthwhile. Otherwise, why are you here?
There are a number of reasons why seeing yourself in the third person is useful.
Looking at yourself in the third person takes some of the pressure off of you to have all the answers. It helps you to be open-minded and adaptive. After all, any story worth hearing involves uncertainty and wonder. Any good story involves the genuine development of tension and hope and doubt — forward-looking feelings that keep us engaged. There are any number of possible outcomes or forks, and sure there are some we hope for in particular, but as long as the story contains some lessons and growth and resolution, we end up glad we read it. We end up taking something from it that’s worth having.
I saw an interview with Quentin Tarantino recently where he was describing the climate of the American film industry at the end of the 20th century. He was describing how American cinema had largely become “situation” movies, instead of story- or character-driven movies. The viewer was essentially given all the information they needed in the first 15 minutes, and the rest of the movie was just waiting for the end that they already knew was coming, to come. (This is why I don’t like superhero movies — they’re profoundly uninteresting.)
Mr. Tarantino was tickled when he saw movies that actually told stories. Where he didn’t know the whole film in the first 15 minutes. He was delighted when he got to watch something unfold organically, through dialogue and non-stereotypical behavior, and didn’t have a clear sense of direction.
This is precisely how we should feel about life in general — we want our lives to be full of wonder and hope, even if that means we also have to experience doubt and fear. Seeing your life as a story that you’re part of takes some of the pressure off of you to predict. You can just focus on the chapter you’re currently in, make good decisions, and see what comes next. You don’t need the answers, and frankly you shouldn’t want the answers. If you know what’s coming, what’s the point of living at all?
Seeing your life as a story helps you to be patient with outcomes; and to accept randomness, unfairness, and things outside your control. You don’t need to yell at the screen anymore, as it were. The way you did when you were younger. You don’t need to have what you want right now; you can wait. There are things here and now that require your attention — or, at the very least, that you’d be well served to pay attention to.
So the girl you fancy hasn’t broken up with her boyfriend — so what. Keep working on being a better man. So that one day, if she does become available, maybe you’ll have even more to offer to her.
Maybe the job you want isn’t available right now. So what. Keep reading books and studying and trying things. And then one day if that job becomes available, you’ll be that much more prepared for it. Maybe you’ll even get hired at a 10% premium because of your extensive knowledge that the last clown didn’t have (look, you resent him).
And you don’t need to control the actions of the other characters in your life. All you can do is make the decisions that are afforded to you, and move forward. There’s simply nothing you can do about the unfairness of life, or the random oscillation between ridiculous unpredictability and calm equilibrium. These are part of any story. And they’ll certainly be part of yours.
You can keep an eye on who it is that you want to be. When I think of Justin Ross the storybook character, I think of someone who controls himself. I think of someone who makes decisions with information, not emotion. I see, in my head, a man who cares about the needs of those around him; a man who uses his own talents and the gifts he has been given to brighten the lives of others. He’s a smart, engaging dude who is fun to be around, and he’s a good conversationalist.
I see a man who is quick to happiness and slow to anger. I see a man whose goal is to read and learn, not to sit on the couch and do nothing.
Seeing this image of myself helps me slow down and remind myself not to mess with short-term thinking. I know that, ultimately, my deepest desire is to be like that guy. The guy I see in my head when I think of myself. When I see myself being slow to happiness and quick to anger, I slow down and say “wait… this part isn’t right. That’s not who he is.” When I see myself sitting on the couch doing nothing (unless I reeeeally feel like it), I say “but that’s not consistent. That’s not who this character is. He should be studying or writing, because that’s who he is.”
If I can imagine a good version of myself, the best version of myself, then I have objective measurements that I either am or am not living up to. Simple.
You can see life as a series of chapters and changes and conflicts, each of which tends to resolve and lead to another. Life is nothing if not change. You get to embrace this change and adapt with it. You get to see each conflict or struggle or goal in your life as a part of a larger whole — a tributary that feeds directly into the next conflict or struggle or goal. You get to see your life as a fluid, changing thing, where you feel little or no pressure to control outcomes.
Every time you think to yourself “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this”, or “I cannot believe how ridiculous my life is right now”, or “wow, things have been quite easy for a while now”… remind yourself that there are more than likely a large number of further chapters. And the information in those chapters is completely unknown to you. It’s possible that chapter 29 was actually laying groundwork for something bigger, and maybe even better, in chapter 36. It’s possible that, although chapter 47 happens to be quite difficult and trying, you’re about to get quite lucky in chapter 48. And all you need to do is hold on and not do anything stupid.
Each thing your life sets you up for the next thing. And, if you’re a highly metaphysical person, you might even say that it sets up the next thing in the only possible way that the next thing could be set up. “Everything happens for a reason,” as it were.
If not, then all we need to know is that life is fluid and that there is not likely to be any finality in most things going on around us. Each conflict prepares us for the next. Each triumph is something we parlay into a bigger victory later. Each moment of uncertainty will likely be resolved… and then feed directly into another moment of uncertainty. Because uncertainty is what life is made of.
You may say “I want off this ride,” but this ride is the only one you’ve got. There’s not some better, easier version somewhere. There’s no such thing as Life Lite™. Playskool’s child-sized Life Playset doesn’t fit us anymore. We’re men and women now.
Let your story unfold and let it interest you. If my life isn’t currently interesting to me, there’s something I’m not doing. I’m not working on anything, I’m not gifting myself enough gratitude and hope, or I’m not serving the needs of others. Or maybe I’m not being open-minded enough for what’s to come.
Anytime something bad (or good, or neutral) happens in my life, I think, “okay. So this must be part of Justin Ross’s story. So be it. He can live with that, and so can I.”
Drink some water and watch yourself.
JDR
“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” -Mark Twain
Beautiful piece. Keep writing. I enjoy it.