I posted a tweet a few weeks ago:
Align yourself with people who know how to handle hard things.
And, when hard things happen in your life, ask them for help.
Being a person who knows how to survive and thrive is honorable and useful. Having friends and family who have those skills too is an incredible advantage.
And I’d like to expand on that thought long-form. I have a lot of things to say about the company we keep.
My father once (many times) told me “Show me your friends, I’ll show you your future.” Not gonna lie, thought he was full of shit. I wanted to keep hanging out with stoners and miscreants, because that was more fun than hanging out with people who studied and respected their parents.
It took me until I was about 23 to realize he was right. I had to restructure my entire life at that age, and that included cutting losers and good-for-nothings out of my circle.
Now, please understand, this pruning left me with no circle. I was left with exactly zero friends. None. Because I didn’t actually have any good friends.
But it’s better to be lonely and start over than to keep doing things that you know are bad for you. It’s better to spend time around nobody than to spend time around people who make you a worse person.
To begin with, humans are social creatures - that’s an inescapable reality of life. We must interact with other people and reflect ourselves off of them in order to be happy. It’s not optional. So, when I recommend pruning, trimming, cutting and starting over, I mean sacrifice short-term happiness in order to build new social structures. I mean exit your current circle and build a new circle as soon as possible. I certainly do not advocate for long-term loneliness or isolation. I’ve felt that too. That’s damn close to hopelessness - that is absolutely not where you want to be. You need people. You just need to make sure you’re finding people who add value to your life. And, when you find them, hang onto them. Treat them well and make them want to stick around.
The kinds of people we shouldn’t have around us
One thing I’d like to say before we go any further: you are not obligated to keep anybody in your life.
Not your mother, not your father.
Not your own child.
Not someone you feel sorry for.
There are almost zero people whom you are morally obligated to keep in your life (let’s call children under 18 the exception). And, beyond morals, it’s just not practical or wise. To keep negativity and hatred and bitterness in your life - it ruins you. It eats away at the fabric of who you are. It cultivates resentment - and, in my experience, resentment is the sourest and most destructive of all human emotions.
I have known far too many people who spent years on parasitic relationships. People who kept inviting toxic mothers to their house. Or kept working to please their fathers even when their fathers were grumpy, miserable old hypocrites. Or kept worthless, god-awful friends or cousins in their lives, all the while wondering “when will this person change.” Or thinking to themselves “well, she’s my mother. I have to be nice to her. She brought me into this world. She raised me.”
No. Relationships, all relationships, are give-and-take. If your mother or father treats you like garbage and makes your life objectively worse, cutting them out is an option. If they don’t appreciate you or support you or make you feel loved and cherished, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Whether they raised you or not, they have a moral obligation to you. Everybody who wants a place in your life has a moral duty to maintain a relationship with you based on mutual respect and honor. If one person does not respect or honor the other, the relationship is broken. There’s no reason to pretend that it isn’t. Can it be fixed? Hopefully. Perhaps it can be. Try to fix it. Communicate as hard and earnestly as you possibly can. But if it can’t be, then prepare yourself to make a harder decision.
If you have a friend who talks bad about you and habitually lets you down, that person is showing you what you mean to them. Not much. And if that’s the case, you need to have the self-respect to let go and move on. You don’t need to be mean (although that is unfortunately one of my first tendencies), but you do have to stand up for yourself. “This relationship isn’t working because you have made it clear you don’t respect or value me. I will not be calling you anymore, and I won’t be accepting yours either.”
Easy.
Or at least, simple.
In order to protect what is good, we must be willing to feel bad. In order to make sure our lives are full of good relationships, we must be willing to cut bad ones and feel lonely for a while.
Short-term sacrifices for long-term results.
The kinds of people we should have around us
I like to imagine myself with a deep, robust, and resilient group of friends. Really, I already have that - although most of my friends are actually folks I’ve met online. And of course that’s wonderful - we add a lot of value to each other’s lives. I’m still working on the in-person part. Finding friends near me who can eat dinner at my table and sit in my living room. I’ll get there.
I’m not a terribly social person - I don’t really enjoy small talk or watching sports or going out for food and drinks. I’m more of a serious person. I enjoy serious conversations and idea sharing. I enjoy talking about things that mean something to me and stimulate me intellectually. So most of my friends are ridiculously smart and skilled people - not just “the guys from work.”
But that obviously doesn’t apply to everyone - plenty of people are in fact more social than I am and have more casual friends. And that makes me very happy for them. Sometimes I’m jealous of that.
There is, however, something that I think applies to all of us. We ought to align ourselves with people who have survival skill sets. No matter what you’re into or where you are, you should have people around you who know how to handle the hard things in life. Strong people. Not complainers, not brats. People who know the power of attitude and sturdiness.
When the going gets tough, you want certain kinds of people around you.
People who can think - really think
Creative problem solvers
People who are going to be honest even when it sucks to be honest
People who can make decisions; people who know how incredibly valuable it is to just do something - just take action
People who have been through horrible struggle before
You want people around you who refuse to be beaten down. You want people around you who are resilient, and positive, and have a relentless habit of making the best of what they have.
This might sound dark, but you also want people around you who have survived the worst life has to offer. Folks who have felt tremendous pain and seen the darkest parts of themselves. Because they are the people who most deeply appreciate life and its gifts. They are the people who know how to wrestle with hopelessness and fear, and win. They know how to contend with the absolute worst feelings and urges inside themselves.
One might say I fit into this category. I hope so. I have been in some low places. Some really awful, low places. Suicidal doesn’t even describe how I felt at one point. More like empty. Devoid of purpose or gratitude or humanity. Just… empty. And I think coming back from that has made me a useful and happy person. Forced me to learn how to be happy - but also, allowed me to learn how to be happy. How to thrive, even when things don’t really feel all that good.
You ever notice how the people who have been through the worst in life have the most genuine smiles? The people who have survived something horrible are usually the people who understand happiness best - because every day when there’s not something awful going on is a gift. Something to be cherished. Everyday without catastrophic tragedy is something to slow down and be actively grateful for.
Those are the kinds of people you want around you. And I think that’s the kind of person I am, after years of practice.
Sometimes I’ll just be sitting quietly by myself and I’ll think “man. It is so amazing to have two arms and two legs.” Or “today could have been so bad in a million ways. I’m really glad it’s not.” This allows me such a fulfilling sense of serenity and acceptance. It reminds me to make the most of the relationships I have and be one with the people I care about. Take advantage of good times while times are good.
I mean, imagine a zombie apocalypse. Society collapses and you have to survive with whatever people you can find. You have to live on foot and with limited supplies. You have very few tools at your disposal other than creative problem solving.
Do you want people around you who complain about not having enough ammunition and want to take naps all the time? Do you want to team up with people who are passive and negligent? Do you want to have partners who don’t actually do anything for the rest of the group?
Or do you want people who come up with ideas, and develop new survival tactics? How about people who know how to make things, and tinker with things, and fix things? Or people who know how to make decisions with a stiff lip and act on them without hesitation?
The first group is probably terrified of being eaten by zombies. They’re probably so scared that they don’t even have the energy to be useful.
The second group refuses to be eaten or to let you be eaten. It’s simply not an option. They are so busy working on solutions and survival, that they don’t have time to entertain anxiety and sadness.
The second group is the group of friends I want. Because, really, everything is a zombie apocalypse. Every day of your life there’s something that needs to be worked on. Some suffering that needs to be survived, or some decision that needs to be made with conviction and grit. Every day there are reasons to be a stoic and humble person; to be helpful and useful to other people.
I’ve heard that only in the direst of moments do we find out who we really are. What we’re really made of, and what really scares us.
And I think that’s true. However, I think that can be carried back into everyday life. And I also think that discovering the best in yourself is something that you can do through conscious effort. Every day is an opportunity to show what you’re made of.
Strong, wise people can not only help you and make decisions with you, but they can even be a source of stability for you. People who are sturdy are incredibly useful. You can lean on them and they won’t fall over. They will hold you up. And, in healthy relationships, they will even barter their strength with you if necessary.
I’ve found that one of the most important things in life is to have agreements with people - spoken or unspoken - to trade strength and neediness back and forth. To take turns being vulnerable even. To trade surpluses and deficits back and forth. This is how the banking system works, and it’s how our economy stays afloat - when one is strong, it lends itself to the one that is momentarily less strong. It doesn’t require a financial crisis for this mechanism to kick in - it’s always there, behind the scenes, ensuring buoyancy and stability. I find this to be wonderful analogy for good human relationships.
So, surround yourself with people who survive and thrive. And, when you need help, ask for it. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you reasonable. And then it allows you to reciprocate later on.
That’s a relationship.
Drink water, have a nice day.
JDR
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” - Ulysses S. Grant
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