“My girlfriend is crazy”
Or
“I’m an asshole.”
You and your girlfriend are fighting again. Which one is true?
The answer is probably both. As it is with almost anything in life. Almost nothing in life is as simple as we wish it was. “You’re completely wrong and I’m completely right.”
The answer is probably that your girlfriend read too much emotion into the situation, and you also screwed up by missing something important. It’s probably not just one or the other.
(But you should probably apologize first anyway. Because that’s a great way to start fixing the situation, whether you think you ought to or not.)
To start with, people have a deep and insatiable craving for neatness and definitiveness. We like order. That’s an innate and completely understandable biological tendency. It allows us to leverage our resources in places other than complicated thinking.
But we aren’t satisfied with that — we like more than order. We like extremeness. We like black-and-white thinking. We like “it’s either this or that, and if you can’t pick one then you’re useless.”
But alas, the world doesn’t work quite so neatly. The unfortunate truth is that black and white thinking won’t cut it. It serves no one and nothing other than the person who seeks childlike comfort and certainty. It serves no one other than the person who uses it.
This Versus That in Social and Political Values
For example, it continues to amaze me: the confidence and conviction with which people represent their political parties. People actually, genuinely believe that their chosen political party has the answers to everything. It’s incredible.
And it’s also a total farce.
The reason the two-party system was developed is because there is an eternal clash between conservative values and liberal values — and there needs to be. Conservative lifestyles and liberal lifestyles. Order and chaos, if you want to drill down that deep. Which of course I think is worth doing.
The forces of freedom and responsibility are always in juxtaposition with one another. Neither one of them has an answer for everything. In fact, neither of them on its own would even keep you alive. They are not enemies; rather they are perfect counterparts. Each of them requires the other to keep its own excesses in check. They play off of each other in an eternal and necessary dance of utility and appropriateness.
Something that I think we’ve tragically forgotten in this country is that Freedom with a capital F is not the standalone, foundational principle of human life. We have been so busy for 250 years injecting doses of Freedomphetamine directly into our veins that we’ve brainwashed ourselves into thinking it’s all that matters. We’re freedom addicts. But we seem to have forgotten that freedom comes at the direct and equal price of responsibility.
You cannot have one without the other. And to hope that you can is not only foolish, it’s anti-human. Because it goes directly against what is good for human beings. All the way down to an evolutionary and biological level.
“Well, we should have the freedom to have sex with whomever we want, whenever we want.”
Fine. But you are responsible for the consequences. And not just the babies — also the psychological consequences, the torturous emotions that sex (especially casual sex) produces, and the result of living in a world where everyone has sex freely. Because yes, there are consequences for that. That’s approximately where we currently are. And American dating has never been worse. People have never been more mentally unhealthy. I suspect that’s no coincidence.
“I can own as many guns as I want. That’s the guarantee of the Second Amendment.”
Fine. But don’t forget that everybody around you has the right to live in a safe and peaceful place — it’s your job as a gun owner to make sure it stays that way. And, perhaps more importantly, don’t forget why the Second Amendment was written in the first place. It’s not so that we can have guns as toys, or as genital extensions. It’s so that we can form a militia and overthrow an oppressive government.
Don’t be so quick to give your political party all the credit in the world. And don’t be so quick to discount the other party as nothing but a bunch of brainless clowns. The struggle between liberal and conservative strategies and tactics is how we navigate the world of morality and the landscape of social and economic good. If either school of thought was handed the reins completely, our country would collapse within 10 years.
This Versus That Everywhere Else
I read a lot of things about writing.
People say things about writing like “you’re writing for the reader, not for you.”
Wow, that sounds like great advice. I should take that to heart.
And yet people also say things like “your problem is that you’re writing to be read.”
Well now what do I do with that? That also sounds perfectly intelligent. That plays into the whole “do it genuinely or don’t do it at all” thing. Which of course is a great principle.
So which one of these extremely suggestive and mutually exclusive statements is true? The answer is both.
And I know it absolutely rips us apart inside when the answer to such a seemingly simple thing is “it’s not so simple.” We hate it when our adages don’t work. But this is why I find “old adages” to be kind of a pain in the ass. The wisdom in old adages is often relativistic, not absolute. That is, its intention is to move you away from a bad behavior towards a good behavior, rather than giving you an actual recipe for doing something correctly. Its goal is to make you aware of something, some principle, so you can act more carefully. Any old adage that is attributed to all situations regardless of context will lead to failure and disaster. And you can quote me on that.
So when it comes to writing, the answer again is both. You’re writing for you and you’re writing for the reader. My blog is for me… but my blog is also for you. I wouldn’t do it for only one of us. We’re a team here.
Some other examples of situations where the answer is both:
Nature or Nurture (both have been extensively proven to be crucial)
Science or Religion (both serve as very useful guide rails for our lives)
Black or White (A great Michael Jackson song)
Old School or New School (there are lessons to be learned from both)
“Technology is amazing for us” or “Technology is awful for us” (both)
“Hustle endlessly” or “Take breaks and rest” (both)
“Life is about happiness” or “Life is about meaning” (both)
“Respect your elders” or “Respect is earned” (both)
“I hate people” or “I love people” (definitely both)
“Strike while the iron is hot” or “Only fools rush in” (both)
“Actions speak louder than words” or “The pen is mightier than the sword” (both)
“A bird in the hand” or “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” (both)
One interesting phrase I’ve heard is “discretion is the better part of valor.” Essentially meaning carefully waiting for one’s moment is better than being rash and brave for no good reason. But if you look at Shakespeare’s Henvry IV where that line comes from, it was actually spoken by a coward who played dead on the battlefield, to justify his behavior. The line was a joke. Does that make it untrue?
You’ll find, if you pay enough attention, that almost any old axiom can be directly contradicted by some other old axiom. And you’ll find pieces of advice that are essential in some situations and completely inappropriate in others. But that doesn’t mean they’re all wrong and dumb. It just means that we should have large toolboxes with all of these tools in them — and it’s our job to select the appropriate ones for the task at hand. Mapping situations onto underlying principles, to see how they fit, is a great way to start.
Don’t fall for false dichotomies. Anytime you encounter a strict this-or-that dichotomy in life, it’s probably because the person giving it to you is too lazy to do any actual thinking. In which case what they’re saying is not worth your time. Or, they just haven’t learned any better. In which case you ought to forgive them and work with them to find a more nuanced answer. An answer that doesn’t demand unrealistic and unnecessary sacrifices. A compromise is usually better.
Drink some water or never drink any again at all,
JDR
“Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.” - Thomas Edison