I have learned ten thousand ways not to have a conversation.
I have learned ways to hurt other people, make enemies, and come across as angry and judgmental. I have learned how to be controversial and I have learned how to push people to disagree with me. I have learned how to make sure my opinion is heard, at the expense of all others.
And I have learned ways to make sure I end up hurt, too. Either because I don’t get what I want, I push someone to retaliate against me, or because I fail to build trust and respect.
In a general sense, these are not the outcomes I want.
I have learned approximately one (1) way to have the right kind of conversation. And it’s by starting with what we agree on.
If you’ve ever read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, you’ll probably have a sense of what I’m talking about. But Mr. Carnegie didn’t provide a whole lot of color on this issue, so I figure maybe that’s my job.
And if you haven’t read that book, I must insist that you stop all other activities and read it without further delay.
Every time you sit down (or stand, or walk) with someone to have a conversation, you are going somewhere with them. Emotionally, intellectually, informationally, or otherwise. You are counterparties in a mutual exchange of human thought. In most cases, and in ideal cases, this is a cooperative endeavor. You want to end up somewhere you weren’t before. You want something useful to come out of it. Unless of course you’re just killing time — which is fine, but it’s still best not to have awful conversations.
Dale pointed out how you’re most likely to get you and your counterparty on a good trajectory from the very beginning. He suggests things like:
Appealing to the noble motives in others (making their inner good feel seen and valued)
Start with “yes” where possible (say yes, or get them to say it)
Start with what you agree on
And I want to illustrate why his advice is so important.
Imagine you’re embarking on a fight with your girlfriend. First of all, good luck. But more importantly, you need to try really, really hard not to do anything stupid.
There are ten thousand stupid things you can do. I’ve done all of them. And, as far as I can tell, there is only one thing you can do that isn’t stupid. And that is to start with yesses and good things, not accusations and resentment and defense. It’s really hard to unwind a fight and get on a better trajectory once you’re already on a bad one. It’s really hard to turn an awful conversation back into a good and useful one.
Imagine you come out swinging and your girlfriend says something like “I swear, you never listen to me. You don’t even know or care what I want.”
And you reply, “I knew you were gonna act this way. You’re so dramatic it’s ridiculous. Why can’t you just calm down.”
And then she hits you with Old Reliable: “You just don’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings but your own.”
And at this point, there is little hope of getting back to the land of cooperation of love. The ship has left the harbor. You’re both sitting there stewing in all kinds of brand new tension and resentment over what’s been said, and there is little chance you can undo this damage tonight. Pride and defensiveness are now in the way. Very strong human emotions.
But I wonder what would happen if one of you had displayed the care and delicacy to start with:
“Babe. Wait wait. I don’t want to fight with you. You wanted to _______ tonight, and I want that too.”
Or “Wait. I just want us to both keep in mind that we’re supposed to be on a team here. I adore you and I want you to be happy. I just don’t see what the particular issue that I need to fix is.”
Or “I think I understand what you’re saying, but I need you to explain more. I don’t want you hating me for something I completely missed.”
I think couple B has a much better chance of having a nice evening. They are going to start from a place of cooperation, having reminded each other of their affection and care. And, better yet, they aren’t going to spend the evening adding yet more things to their pile of shit to fight about.
What a difference.
Now let’s look at a conversation you might have with your boss. She calls you into her office and, looking tense and irritated, asks why the last report to your client was late. She just got an earful from this client over the phone.
You could respond with “well, that client is a pain in the ass and they kept changing things and I had no idea what they actually wanted until it was too late.” And, although all of this is true, you have put yourself in a position of defense. And whether you deserve it or not, you look kind of weak and juvenile for talking this way. It may not be fair, but it’s reality.
Instead you could say, “Ok. I know you just reminded us last week about deadlines. But you also reminded us the week before that under no circumstances should we be sending erroneous reports. And that made sense to me — I know that data quality is your highest priority. Mine too. I had to decide which of those rules to honor first and foremost, and I chose to honor accuracy over delivery date. I know that doesn’t help, but I had to make a decision and I hoped you’d at least be pleased with the accurate report.”
The chances are very low that your boss will still be angry. You started from a place of agreement and shared values. You reminded her that what you really wanted was to do the right thing for the client, even though the situation didn’t make that easy. This conversation will probably go a whole lot better since you started it that way.
Or, how about a situation where a coworker brings up politics at the lunch table at work?
Well, first of all, he should be fired.
Imagine he brings up the topic of minimum wage. He is in favor of a mandated minimum wage of $15 an hour. And he starts prodding at other people around him to agree.
And you decide to chime in and say “well it’s not that easy.”
And Mr. Friendly says “oh, so you don’t give a shit about the American worker, huh? You don’t care that there are single mothers starving on $10 an hour in dead end jobs, huh? Is that what kind of American you are?”
Well… you could get angry at this point. You could get defensive. You could be pretty mean to this guy. And I would at least give you a participation trophy.
But what I have learned is that there’s a much better way to respond. It would probably be something like:
“Wait, wait… I think you and I are on the same side here. What you just said is exactly what I’m concerned about too. It’s silly for people to still be working for $10 an hour in the richest country in the world — we can agree on that. What I was getting at was, it’s not so easy because of [political reasons, economic reasons, etc.], which is very unfortunate.”
And, for bonus humility points: “And maybe you know some things about it that I don’t.”
Now he might still be unpleasant, and he might still approach your reason and nuance with anger and intolerance… but you’ve done what you can. You gave the conversation the best chance it had of being useful and friendly. You found common ground and made a friend instead of an enemy (hopefully).
For one final example, imagine you’re talking to someone who is actually your political opponent. You’re on one side and they’re on the other. Does this tactic still work?
It absolutely can. It won’t always, but nothing always works. Imagine discussing a highly controversial topic, and imagine getting your opponent to agree to a shared premise. “But wait… you and I, really, are both on the side of the homeless and poverty-stricken. We’re just approaching the issue differently.” “But wait… it sounds like you and I are both on the side of saving children’s lives. We just have different frameworks.” Et cetera. I’m not in the habit of getting into serious political debates, but it’s pretty disarming to find shared ground with someone you thought you hated.
It’s in situations like these where I have realized the incredible advantage you earn for yourself by starting with yesses and agreement. What a difference it makes in your ability to interact with people and get good outcomes.
But it doesn’t just apply to situations of tension — this is not just a defusing mechanism. It’s also how you open yourself up to people in good situations, or neutral situations. It’s how you form good relationships quickly and authentically. Situations like meeting a stranger on a park bench or meeting a new coworker.
And of course you’re not always going to get along with everybody. Either because there are misunderstandings in the way, or because you are too different and can’t really agree on anything. And that’s okay. The key is, once you figure that out, to leave it alone and not put any more effort into a black hole.
People like to feel heard. They like to know that you recognized what it is they were talking about. It makes them immeasurably more likely to listen to your input. Even if it means admitting they missed something or that you had slightly more accurate information. (Note how I’m using gentle language, which is another key in effective communication. Another thing to keep in mind, is never to corner somebody. Always give them a golden bridge to retreat across when they’re wrong. If you can make somebody feel valid and unharmed in admitting they’re wrong, you are a five-star communicator.)
People like to feel noble. Like you see the good in them and you’re willing to point it out — especially publicly.
People like to fight and argue, and people like to be right… but, far more importantly, they like to feel like someone sees the virtue in their opinions and their values. You can win friends, have influence, and have connections that you otherwise would not have, if you keep these things in mind.
Start from a place of agreement. Ask a lot of questions. And show people how their opinions, or at least the values they’re based upon, are worthwhile.
Drink some water,
JDR
“You can have conversation, or you can have war.” - Sam Harris