A lot of men like when their girlfriends or wives watch them play video games. Not all men, of course — some would rather be left alone because it’s their “me” time. But I’ve met plenty of men who profoundly enjoy it. And it’s not just nerds or 40-hour-a-week gamers; it’s all kinds of different men.
Why would we enjoy it? What’s the big deal with having someone watch you play a game?
Well, why does a man like to do anything in front of a woman? To show her what he’s made of. It's one way we can be a little something in front of a pretty girl. What man doesn’t want to perform a little bit for a woman he thinks is cute? We may be old and greying, but emotionally we never left the playground. We’re still kids trying to impress each other.
Or at least we should be.
Granted, playing a video game from the relative safety of an armchair is not as heroic as chopping wood for a long winter or fighting fires in apartment buildings. It doesn’t require the years of apprenticeship of a master craftsman or the charisma of a people-leader. But it’s still a chance to peacock a bit.
Simple stuff like this reflects the deepest biological behaviors and needs inside us. This is the kind of stuff humans are supposed to do. It’s a woman watching a man be something (and it can also work the other way around). Watching your partner show that he’s capable and creative and knows how to make decisions. That he can accomplish something in real time with variables changing in front of him.
I don’t even play video games that much anymore. But I used to have a woman in my life who would sit and watch me play for hours. She wasn’t distracted with anything else, she wasn’t on her phone — she just watched me play. Intently. Happily. It was the coolest thing in the world. She would ask me questions about what I’m up to, she would be curious about the equipment I’m using in the game and why. She laughed along with me and took joy in my victories.
She was genuinely interested in what I was doing.
In a way, I was performing for her. But I was also bonding with her. Without even looking at her, I was bonding with her. In our own way, it was a kind of quality time. It wasn’t “me” time, it was “us” time.
And some of the closest and most intimate moments of my life were after she watched me play. Watched me at play. Because it did something for her, and for us. Emotionally. As a couple. It showed her something about me that was interesting and capable. It showed her how my mind works, and how I can have the patience to do something difficult correctly, and how resourceful I can be. Which is, after all, what a man is supposed to be. Is it not?
One of the most important and memorable things a woman (this woman) has ever said to me is that she likes seeing how my mind works.
But this goes far beyond video games or chopping wood or making decisions. One of the sexiest things in the world is just seeing someone fully engaged in something that interests them.
Something we probably don’t spend enough time doing in our relationships is watching each other.
Another thing we probably don’t spend enough time doing is trying challenging things together. As a team, but also as individuals. When you see your partner engage in something that makes them focus and be creative, it’s arousing. It’s spiritually and emotionally arousing, and as a nice bonus it’s often physically arousing.
It breathes life into the relationship. It gives you extra reasons to admire and be attracted to the other person.
When you see a couple going to an art class together, you might think they’re a couple of nerds. “How boring their relationship must be,” you might think. But it’s quite the opposite: that couple has a happy, exciting relationship and they’re working to keep it that way.
Aside from the romantic or erotic rewards, it’s just exciting to me when a woman is fascinated by something I’m doing. Like my writing. Or when I’m trying to learn a new song on the piano or guitar, or learning some new skill, or reading some stupidly, obnoxiously difficult book like Infinite Jest. I enjoy being asked questions about these things. I don’t always like being watched, I don’t always like to feel like I’m performing… but I like that she wants to watch me. It makes me want to keep doing whatever the thing is I’m doing.
When you’re deeply curious about someone, and deeply playful with their interests, it makes them deeply appreciate you. And there’s no limit to how good that can make your relationship. There’s no limit.
Which also means that we, all of us, need to be up to things. Trying things. It keeps relationships alive. Play keeps relationships alive.
Aside from that woman herself, she had three children I was lucky enough to have in my life for a few years. And we all had a kind of relationship that was deeply, truly playful. We could play intellectually — talk about fascinating things and give each other lectures and presentations for fun. We could play creatively — make music together or create something. And we all had a shared sense of humor I’ve never quite found somewhere else. The whole relationship was about play.
It was by far the most rewarding experience of my life.
And when I say that the relationship was about “play,” I don’t mean that we all slacked off and made jokes all day. We were all extremely productive and ambitious individuals… not in spite of our tendency to play, but because of it. It was the emotional outlet and spiritual support that everyone needs and few receive.
In fact this woman and her girls are the only reason I write at all — they completely changed my life. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t still be doing this. They taught me who and what I am, and made me want to use it. How did they do that? They asked.
I can only hope that I could ever have that again. And that you can have it.
To have that much play and curiosity in your life is to be truly alive. To have play at the core of your most important relationships: that’s what life is supposed to be. Everything else is irrelevant. Every other gift is a runner-up.
My favorite quote I’ve ever heard is “it’s hard to be sad and useful at the same time.”
I would suggest a corollary: it’s hard to have a bad relationship if you’re constantly at play.
The best thing you can do for a relationship is be curious about the other person. Not just about one thing, but about everything. Every day, all the time.
Drink some water and make your best friend ugly-laugh.
JDR
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” - Richard Lingard
Born and raised on the east coast of Canada, it's so beautiful there, now I am frozen in Toronto. 🥶
Oh gosh, I hope you find the love you lost! It sounds as though that was a beautiful lady you had in your life. There are so many amazing relationships just waiting out there for you.
Life is fun adventure, seize each day. Play is so important, it's a shame we forget how meaningful it is. I used to spend so much time walking the beach and playing in the sand. Now I'm landlocked and that play has been replaced with more grown up stuff. I am going to consciously hunt for more play! Great article. Thanks for the reminder of what's important in life. And of course as always I will drink more water...as I look out at the snow! ❄️