Most men are playing the wrong game.
You ever meet one of those “nice guys” who thinks that “being nice” is a personality trait that makes him worthy of a mate? You ever see one of those guys who thinks that being courteous and respectful for 2 or 3 minutes at a time will earn him a date or some sexual reward? One of those guys who has but one strategy for finding a mate, and it’s pretending to give a shit about anyone but himself?
How about those guys who send pictures of their dicks to women on the internet? No matter how many times the world tells them “this is not a strategy for finding a mate”, they just keep showing their iPhones their junk and sending it to poor helpless girls on Snapchat and Tinder. You ever meet one of those?
Or what about the guys who go to bars and hit on every single girl there? The guys who wear shirts that are two sizes too small and $100 jeans, patrolling the bar like a vulture for any woman who might be vulnerable or have daddy issues? Those upstanding gentlemen who think their attention is supposed to make girl after girl after girl feel lucky. You ever meet them?
You want to know what all of these men have in common? Well, other than the fact that they’re all children, and are terrible at handling rejection, and think they just aren’t being rewarded properly for their diligent and admirable effort?
They’re playing the wrong game.
Sure they might get rewarded with something warm once in a while. Every once in a while they might find a girl with just enough daddy issues. Every once in a while they might play just the right series of silly chess moves to get inside some tight black leggings. They might meet a girl who actually thinks being friendly is a masculine trait worthy of sexual intercourse. But finding girls in bars, being a nice guy, and showing off your “let’s pretend” manliness isn’t the strategy, amigos. It’s not the play. It’s like playing house. It’s like putting on a costume and acting like you’re a good man for a night at a time.
I was talking to a good friend of mine recently - she’s a late-twenties woman - about this. She was wondering aloud why men are such letdowns and that her friends can’t seem to find men who make it past the year mark.
I immediately starting yelling at her with streams of spit and anger flying out of my mouth and onto her chin. Because that was sexist and she needs to be put in her place.
Just kidding, I didn’t do that. That’s probably what a lot of men would have done though - blame the women. No no, I didn’t get angry at her. Because she’s right, and it pisses me off just as much as it pisses her off. Men are weak. Men, just as Jewel told us on her Diamond debut album, are playing Foolish Games and it’s tearing women apart. And we need to grow the hell up.
You know what I did say to her though… Men can be anything for a year. A man can do any amount of acting and fooling and manipulating for a year. He can wear any hat or play any game for a year. A man can be anyone he wants to be, to keep a woman’s attention. Usually for about a year. And then you find out who he really is because he’s no longer willing to play. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s not willing to act anymore. The effort of keeping up the charade now weighs more than the relationship created by the charade. The effort of trying to be positive and loving is now too hard and he stops pretending he gives a shit about his woman’s feelings.
And so it goes, on and on. The majority of women I’ve met in my adult life are in unhappy marriages or have already been divorced at least once. Not getting their needs met, not feeling heard, not feeling attended to. Not feeling like they have a big strong protector, but instead feeling like they have a son that didn’t come out of their vagina. Not having a leader, but instead having one more toddler to take care of.
The amount of women in the office world willing to cheat on their husbands is staggering. Positively stunning. The ease with which a sharp-looking guy with a good smile and some basic manners can get laid in corporate America is nothing short of incredible. A tragedy that even Shakespeare couldn’t write.
And you know whose fault that is? Don’t you dare blame the women. No, no. The men are at fault. That’s our fault, gentlemen. This is our doing. We have forgotten how to take care of a woman - mind, spirit, and sex. We are the puppy who lost his way. We are a pathetic nightmare.
But don’t worry, I’m not being negative. I am quite the optimist when it comes to masculinity. You want to know something brilliant about life? When you’re the problem, that’s always good news. Always. Because it means you can fix the problem. When the problem is somebody else, all you can do is buckle in and try not to die. When the problem is you, it means there are things you can do to stop being such a weasel. It means victory may yet be at hand. If you can find the right help and string together some good decisions.
Now let me say something that years and years as an adult male have taught me. Women are attracted to competence. It’s not just confidence, it’s not being friendly, it’s not treating them like shit, it’s not being rich, it’s not just having status and respect. It’s competence. Women want a man who knows what the hell he’s doing. That’s it. Whether he’s a plumber, an account manager, a little league coach, a single father, a risk-taking investor, or a millionaire. All they want to know is that he knows what the hell he’s doing. That he has an identity that is all his own, and that he doesn’t rely on outside validation.
The idea that women only want men who treat them like dirt is a tale as old as time. And while it may seem true, it doesn’t tell the real story. There’s something underneath that which is closer to the truth. Women don’t want an actual asshole (well, some do, but those women are fools and you should run away from them at a full sprint anyway). They don’t want a man who actually treats them like shit. They want a man who is so comfortable in his own lifestyle, his own routine, that he doesn’t need them. They want a man who has his own things going on. He’s confident, sure, but not in a way that says “fuck you.” More like in a way that says “look, this is what’s going on in my life. If you want to be part of it, I’d love that - here’s my number. If not, I’m moving on.” Now is that really so hard to understand? Gentlemen?
What women notice is a man who stands up straight, faces the world head-on, and knows how to handle people. A man who speaks the truth, cleans up his messes, and offers to help with the chores. A man who is so focused on good, productive things that he doesn’t have time to act like a child. We should strive to be not men who go looking for dates all the time, but men who are so practically attractive that dates just find us. Not men who show off their junk, but men who are so interesting and attractive that women go home from work and wonder about our junk.
We ought to be men who, just by the virtue of our behavior, look and seem like leaders. Like someone who is worthy of being a head of household, or a partner, or a father. We ought to be so busy building outstanding lives, that we literally don’t even notice all the heads turning to look at us. We ought to be friendly, kind, and assertive, but for no other reason than that those are good things to be. Stop sending dick pics, start sending messages asking how are your parents. Stop acting like your masculinity is a gift, and start figuring out what would actually make your masculinity a gift. Quit thinking in terms of “who can I bed,” and start thinking in terms of “who can I help or accept or provide for.”
Part of being a man is coming up with your own recipe for masculinity - nobody else can do that for you. You have to do it yourself. You have to figure out how you can comfortably operate in the world in a way that makes you mate-worthy. You have to figure out how you can become a man worthy of the woman you want. It doesn’t work in reverse order - you don’t get to reverse-osmosis your way into being a good husband. By finding the woman you want and square-pegging it. Sorry fellas. You’ve got to become that man first.
Look, I’m no expert. I don’t have a degree in picking up mates from a liberal arts college. I may not even be playing with a full deck. But so far in life I have learned a few things. And one of them is that women are attracted to competence. Women are attracted to men who have a visible, tangible, admirable sense of masculinity. Not an in-your-face masculinity, no. But one that says “if you ask me for help with something, I’m not going to sleep until you are taken care of.” Not the kind of masculinity that says “I’m alpha”, but the kind of masculinity that says “I am worthy of responsibility.”
Aim to be the kind of man who has a good process, and good results will follow. Develop personal relationships with people. Learn as much as you can. Figure out how to do some useful things around the house. Become somebody that people are interested in. Become somebody worth impressing, worth talking to, worth asking for advice from. There is no easy way to do this - you have to decide that’s what kind of man you want to be, and then just work your ass off towards it. It won’t come easy. But nothing worth having in life comes easy. Especially not a wife, gentlemen.
Step 1 in dating is to be a remarkable person. Just focus on that. Don’t pretend to be remarkable. Make good decisions until you are remarkable. And then keep making them so you can stay that way.