I don't believe in "just being yourself."
People say this all the time. People are always saying “just be yourself” as if it’s the panacea for the struggles of social and professional life. As if it’s the way out of playing all the games people play. As if it will “solve” something.
But that’s a bit too generalized. That’s a bit too simplistic. We’re all stuck on this awkward ass social and professional ride until the day we leave the carnival. As far as I can tell, “just be yourself” is about as lame and unhelpful as advice gets. It is often a pat on the head and a suggestion to be child-like. It is the community college where bad habits go to be accepted.
There are a few things that need to be picked apart here.
First of all, what does it mean to “just be yourself”?
Mark Manson, in his comically blunt and sometimes harsh body of literature, likes to use the term “polarize”. As far as “just being yourself”, polarizing is quite an essential concept. In order to be truly happy, you have to be vulnerable to the world. You have to display who you actually are. That includes your sense of humor, your priorities, your wants and needs, and, in dating, your romantic and sexual desires. You must display these things honestly. You must risk polarizing people by being honest. You must risk rejection by showing the parts of you that are unique… and even excessive and controversial.
In general, when I hear somebody say “just be yourself,” I wonder what that person is actually saying. Are they saying to go dye your hair blue and watch anime and do weird shit in social situations just because that’s what you feel like doing? Are they telling you to keep making the juvenile jokes that you made at 17 years old, and eating pizza every night of the week? Are they telling you to be loud and sarcastic and goofy just because that’s what is most fun? Are they saying to let go of adulthood? Are they implying that you’re only accountable to yourself, and everybody else can go fuck the dog?
Or are they telling you to embrace your own strengths and weaknesses, and display them honestly for the world to see? Are they suggesting that you embrace your own sense of humor, and take the honest risk of polarizing people with it? Are they saying that maybe the harder you try to impress people, the less impressive you actually become?
That second paragraph is what I agree with. But not the first paragraph. The way I see it, there is an inverse relationship between the usual interpretation of “being yourself” and getting good results. Or, as is ever more important than getting good results, having good processes. What do I mean by good processes? I mean good decision-making and self-evaluation processes.
So, when we are talking about “just being yourself,” I do believe in what Mark is saying. He’s saying “once you actually figure out who you are, be honest about it.” What I don’t believe in is being child-like. There is a difference between being honest about who you are, and never growing up. Those are two different things. Polarize? Yes. Be controversial? Sure. Be in a perpetual child-like state of avoiding change and growth? No. Be a pain in the ass socially? No.
Now, the second thing that needs to be picked apart here: what exactly is “the self”?
Is the self our low, primal instincts? The version of us we would be if we just listened to every urge that clamored for attention inside of us? All of the greed, and lust, and silly humor, and social weirdness, and impulsive quirks that live in our minds and bodies? Is that the real self? The self that wants to sit around eating junk food, and making jokes about butt cheeks, and being unaccountable for an adult life well lived? The self that wants to say crazy things to people and have sex with everything that walks?
Or… is the self the version of us that we actually portray through actions? The version of us that is filtered through our mental processes and comes out into the world? The version of us that is capable of discipline and integrity and rational decision-making and wise judgment? The visible us, that is capable of overcoming lust and greed and jealousy and instead puts forth actions that are good and noble?
Now we’re getting into deep psychological/psychoanalytic territory (the territory of Freud, Jung, et al), but we don’t need to go that deep for this discussion. I’m just asking questions.
Which of these is our “self”? It’s an important question. And it’s why “just be yourself’ falls short of anything helpful. It’s a strong piece of advice with no sense of direction. It’s a shotgun shell full of birdshot that could miss me or kill me.
The final part of this issue that needs picked apart:
I believe that any advice taken at face value in all circumstances is poorly-used advice. There is no single axiom or piece of advice that works in all circumstances. That’s what makes human life so hard - context matters. Nuance is required. That’s why we always have to remind each other of these cute little quips and useful bits of wisdom - because they fall out of favor in given contexts, and then we forget about them. Human beings toss around these clever bits of wisdom like we’re playing a big game of catch with each other. Whichever bits of clever wisdom we’ve caught in the last couple of days seem stronger and more pertinent than ever, and then we forget about the ones we heard last week or last month. Recency bias is a hell of a drug. It’s impossible to keep all these useful tidbits in mind at the same time - which is why they float around amongst us. Because we are constantly reminding each other of the ones we’re forgetting.
I find that the best way to be a worthwhile person is to go against my visceral instincts. In order to be a good person, a person worth relying on, I must be stronger than my juvenile, animalistic tendencies. In order to be a good man, I ought to act less like the little kid inside me and more like the wise hero. Or the soldier. Or the patient friend. Or the ever-accountable professional. Or the man who is worthy of being a husband and father (yes, I believe those are things you have to be worthy of). I ought to act less like the psychopathic, drug-abusing degenerate that part of me still wants to be… and more like a person who knows how to control himself.
The unrestrained self is a worthless entity that is completely unworthy of responsibility. If I cannot control my own desires, how can I possibly be relied upon to control anything in the external world?
Very few people ever got ahead in life, or became worthy of remembering, by "just being themselves." Maybe Picasso’s goofy ass or Edgar Allen Poe. But we’re not all artists. The soldier or hero or sage, rather, constantly struggles against his own desires, thoughts, and failures... to be someone better than himself.
To be someone better than who you naturally are - that is the rub. To be the version of you that ought to be presented to the world, because said version is maximally loving and helpful and productive. The version of you that makes the most of what he or she has, and helps others do the same - that is the self that is most valuable.
Now don’t get me wrong. I adore people for their silly humor and their impulsive quirks and their hilariously childish, accountability-avoiding tendencies. Those things are endearing. And I understand them. Because I have them too.
I find people’s raw and unabashed lust and greed and anger endearing, as long as they’re honest about it and they don’t let it control them. Because I understand it. Because that’s in me too.
And I love it when people confess their weaknesses. It’s so human. It’s so real. When someone admits what they’re struggling with. I find it delightfully real and commendable when someone admits that all they care about at the moment is money or revenge or sex or a curly fries or a warm blanket on the couch.
That is arguably the real “self”. The self that wants those things. The self that has silly desires and tendencies. The self that is lazy and the self that is horribly insecure and terrified of commitment.
But the other self is arguably just as real, perhaps even more real. The self that non-figuratively comes into the world through actions and behaviors. The self that one decides to be. The self that lives in the unconscious minds of others. The version of you that is contained in the narratives inside other people’s minds.
Another thing I’m fully aware of about people… is that not everyone is as ambitious as me. And I still struggle not to push people to be more driven and curious and adaptable like I want to be. That can quickly turn from a compassion game into an arrogance game, and I’m acutely aware of that. Pushing people to change or adapt or grow when all they want is to be comfortable is risky business. And at the end of the day, it takes all types to make the world go round. Some people just don’t want to hear shit like this. They really do just want to “be themselves.” And we have to accept that. But my guess is, if you’re reading this blog, you’re not the kind of person who’s looking for easy. Because easy is absolutely not what this blog is going to give you.
I want the hard stuff. I want a life well lived. I want to get on the mat and wrestle with life’s toughest questions. Because that’s what resonates with me. That’s what moves me. Doing something harder today than what I did yesterday. Finding the most important questions to ask, finding the words, and asking them.
That’s my “self.” That’s the self I want to put into the world.
So to finish making my point: I don’t believe in “just being yourself”… at least not under all circumstances. And not for all people.
“Just be yourself” could mean anything from “put on a costume and act like a dog in public” to “stand up straight at your job interview and just be honest about why you want the job.” It could mean anything from “have a god-awful diet because that’s all you care about” to “have an outstanding diet because that’s what you care about.”
“Just be yourself” could lead us to be Peter Pan, or it could lead us to be Gandhi. That’s why I find these words so useless. And I also find it pretty useless to constantly succumb to low, unabated instincts. I try to avoid making general statements where possible, because specifics matter, but: a life lived in service to urges, comfort, and raw desire is objectively not a life well lived. It’s just not. That removes what is fundamentally human from our actions: sacrifice. The sacrifice of the old for the new. The sacrifice of the useless for the useful. The easy now for the better later.
Be honest about who you are, but be an adult. Take life just seriously enough to have good processes. And to be worthy of responsibility. After that, be as cheeky as you want. Because life really is quite absurd and worth making fun of.
Have a ridiculous day.