Over and over in my life, I have seen how the little things can destroy me or those around me. The little details that we can barely be bothered to pay attention to — they can snowball quickly and make life a whole lot harder.
A relationship with half-assed communication.
A trading day when I wasn’t writing down my thoughts as the day unfolded.
A day when I didn’t drink enough water.
And so on and so on. I have seen and felt over and over the consequences of ignoring the details.
People say you should “pick your battles.” And, as with any old axiom or adage, there is some truth in this. Of course you don’t want to go around stepping on people’s toes all the time. Of course you don’t want to be a perfectionist, which wastes your time and everyone else’s. And of course you don’t want to disagree with people about every little thing, just so the Goldilocks inside you will say it’s just right.
But when it comes to the things that really, really matter to you… you cannot ignore the details. Because the details can ruin you, or they can make your life unbelievably good.
In Relationships
I have had my fair share of relationships. Both good and bad. With family, and friends, and others of significance. And you already know what I’m going to say next: communication matters.
But not just communication. Boundaries matter. Roles matter. Cooperation matters. Not having blowout fights matters.
When you’re getting to know someone, the last thing you want to do is have unpleasant conversations with them. “Wait, stop, hold on” conversations. You don’t want to sit and labor over details with them — you want to enjoy their company and flirt and have sex and do fun things.
But I cannot overstate how important it is to have these conversations early on. To labor over the groundwork carefully is the only way to build a proper structure. Short-term sacrifice for long-term benefit. Teach each other about yourselves and develop an intricate understanding of each other. I mean, isn’t that kind of the point of a relationship? By getting ahead of things, you earn yourself more freedom and cooperation later on. By spending time on details early on, you avoid fighting over surprises later. The best way to avoid big, blowout fights is to be careful with the details that bloat and cause them.
And that’s about romantic relationships — but the same goes for family and friends. Stay on top of little things so they don’t become big things. Never let someone cross a boundary that really means something to you. Can you let them be late to dinner a couple times? Of course. Can they forget your birthday one time? Sure, I mean it happens. Might hurt a bit, but it’s not the end of the world.
But when it comes to routine displays of disrespect, or a regular lack of attentiveness, those problems are going to turn into something much bigger eventually. The little things that “you’re too tired to fight about” or “don’t want to be nitpicky about”… those are the ones that’ll get you. Essentially, you can labor over things now or you can labor over them later. And if you labor over them later, they’re probably going to be ten times worse.
But there are other details to get right. Very good details. Like making each other feel appreciated. Putting your phones down while giving a back rub. Greeting each other at the door with a smile, every time. Every single time. Knowing what your partner likes and doing it for her so she doesn’t have to worry about it. Get these things right, and that’s 90% of your relationship polished and shiny, right there. Compound these things over time and you’ve got a better relationship than you could ever imagine.
The details are either going to make your relationship very good, or very bad. It’s your choice.
With Language
This one is huge for me. I cannot express how important it is, to me, to be precise with language. Sometimes I will sit for minutes at a time trying to think of a better way to construct a sentence for this blog or trying to find the appropriate word to make my point.
But I also labor over language this way in communicating with others personally. And, again, in relationships.
It’s important to use the right words. To choose loving words over mean ones. To choose specific words over general ones. To choose cooperative words over competitive ones.
For instance: you don’t want to hear your partner say “you always do this.” That sentence feels like an attack. Whether it is or not, it feels like one. What you’d rather hear, I bet, is something more like “I don’t understand why this is such a hard habit to break for you.” And bonus points if they follow up with “Help me understand so I can help you with it.”
Loving over mean. Cooperative over competitive. In this example, your partner wants to win with you, not win against you. What an incredible difference.
Suppose you have a friend who tends to use very extreme language. Or a friend who likes to over-simplify things to make a point.
It seems to me like you can’t afford to let them get away with that.
When people speak, they are creating a story about what’s going on. They are creating their perception of reality. And people’s perceptions are their realities, so that’s no different than creating reality itself. When we allow someone to get away with a linguistic misstep or transgression, we are quite literally allowing them to change reality. And, sooner or later, that’s likely to catch up with us.
If that sounds too vague and dramatic, take a few minutes and think about it.
Don’t let someone say “many” when they mean “a few.”
Don’t let someone say “literally” when they mean “not literally.”
Don’t let someone say “you always do this” when they really mean “you’ve done this twice and it’s making me concerned.”
Don’t let someone attach negativity to something for no good reason.
A lot of fights in relationships (and politics, and anything else) are over specifics. Which words exactly were said. What exactly was meant by those words.
If someone is trying to morph reality in front of you or attach an unnecessarily negative connotation to something, stop the conversation and fix it. Don’t let someone, especially someone you love or respect, create a reality that is unfair to you or unfair to him- or herself. Don’t let someone speak something into reality when you know it isn’t true. Because their version of reality is going to snowball and eventually collide with yours, or the world’s, and cause problems.
With Anything Worth Doing
I’m a trader, which is the most psychologically stressful and demanding thing I’ve ever put myself through. It’s like being in a battle against both myself and the entire world at all times.
There is one way and one way alone to win that battle every day: by getting the details right. By journaling my thoughts and observations clearly and rationally. By skipping exactly zero parts of my process. By making sure the story of whatever I’m doing is cohesive in my head — cohesive enough to explain to a ten-year-old. If it’s not, I must step back and refine the details.
And this goes for any serious pursuit. It’s not perfectionism — it’s details. I never expect any of my trades to be perfect. I just expect to be able to defend them in front of a jury of smart traders. If I’ve got that, I can take the trade.
Someday, some person or event is going to shine a light on everything you’ve built. And there’s going to be a shadow on the wall. In that shadow, all of the imperfections and holes in what you’ve built are going to be painfully visible. Larger than ever. Make sure those imperfections and holes are as small as possible.
Life is going to test all of us. And if we’ve skipped the little things that matter, the things we’ve built are going to crumble. If we haven’t been attentive enough to our girlfriend’s subtle daily needs, she’s not going to feel safe with us. If we don’t drink enough water, we’re going to feel lousy and live lethargically. If we don’t spend time clearing our heads and curating our thoughts, our heads are going to be cluttered when we most need them to be clear.
For a lot of things in life, the specifics really don’t matter. You can ignore a lot of them. But get the details right in everything that matters to you. That’s 90% of life and it builds almost all of your momentum. It makes the things you love authentic and durable.
Drink some water and then do it again and again,
JDR
The devil is in the details, but so are the angels.