We all have weaknesses and flaws and blind spots. Everyone, at all times. We have personalities that have jagged edges and holes. Broken sections. Pieces that don’t work very well. There is no getting around this, no matter how perfectly self-aware you may feel on any given day. Even the main character has flaws. And we aren’t the main character anyway.
This is something that all people have in common.
And there’s something that almost all people have in common. We suck at apologizing. And I don’t just mean we suck at saying the words “I’m” and “sorry” in that order (even though we do). We can half-ass our way out of just about anything. And that’s useful on a micro scale but pretty awful in the long run. I mean we suck at putting what happened into words and making it right.
After 32 years of making a fool of myself, I have found what I think is the actual formula for an apology. An excellent apology does the following things:
Identifies the personal flaw that made you do what you did
Describes in detail what you did
Describes how you affected the other or others
Describes how you’ll fix this
Keep in mind, an apology is not about getting you out of trouble. That’s how a child thinks. It’s about showing the other person that you care enough to make things right — that you want to fix this and get back to cooperating with them long-term.
When you’ve done something wrong to someone, 9 times out of 10 you will immediately know why. You know what flaw made you do that. Or weakness, or blind spot, or personal excess. You don’t have to do any soul-searching. You already know.
But there are times when you can’t even tell. And in that case, talk about it or write about it until you have a better answer. It might sound like work, but so is anything worth doing.
I think it usually boils down to anger or fear.
And anger often stems directly from fear. So, all in all, we usually do things wrong because of fear.
I once heard there are two kinds of fear: the fear of losing something we have, and the fear of not getting something we think we deserve. And if you ask enough questions of yourself, and dig down far enough, you’ll often find that one of these two applies. Whether it comes to sex, or property, or status, or money… it almost always boils down to one of these two fears.
And if anger and fear are not the culprit, often ignorance is. We missed a detail because we weren’t paying attention. A detail of the other person’s preferences or values or rights.
Or laziness. We chose not to intervene against our own flaws and excesses that day, but we know what they are. After all, people point them out to us quite generously. Like me, for instance — I have a relentless need to try to fix things for people. And it keeps me from being a good listener. It keeps me from being gentle. I know this, and when I get complacent it gets the better of me. And it leads me to hurt the people I’m supposed to love. That’s no good.
If you cannot figure out the answer, talk it out. With a friend or partner, with a parent, or even with the person you harmed. See if you can find the actual reason why you did what you did.
People aren’t social creatures for no reason. We discover the world and ourselves through others. Talking through something with a trusted friend or ally is the single best way to discover more about your own faults and blind spots.
Start your apology with this.
(Bonus question: Does it indeed take two to tango? Yes. In my experience, most unpleasant situations can be accounted for by miscommunication or by an error of transparency from both parties. Most boyfriend-and-girlfriend fights have two culprits and really require two apologies, for instance. Et cetera.)
Now we’re getting to the proverbial meat.
In order to apologize effectively, you must describe in detail what you did and why.
A bad apology sounds like “I’m sorry I did that, it wasn’t right.”
A bad apology sounds like “Yea… sorry about that. Didn’t realize it would hurt you.”
A good apology sounds like:
I see now what I did. I attacked you when really the issue is how I’m feeling about myself. I’m afraid of not getting what I want, which as you know is that promotion at work. I have been feeling less confident with this whole thing up in the air — I feel like without this promotion I will be less of a man. And it’s making me focus extra hard on being respected here at home. I’m afraid of not being respected. I’m afraid of not being attractive to you. And so when I felt slighted by you, I lashed out and reacted way worse than was necessary.
It might sound silly, how specific that is. But the details are important. Do not skip the details. The details are what make your relationship sturdy. You do not build a house with just the brute strength of bricks — you need lots and lots of mortar.
And you might wonder “uhh, is that example from your own life, J.R.?” That’s none of your business, and I’ll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
You must be able to apologize specifically for things you’ve done. Otherwise your apology is vague and so is the way forward.
The other person or party must understand that you know what you did to them. You have to be able to show them that you see how you affected them. How you harmed them or slighted them or betrayed their trust.
When I apologize to anyone, I want to make sure they understand that I know they have values and beliefs too. They have priorities and feelings, just like I do. And that I tried to trump those values and priorities to make myself feel better or get myself ahead. And that I know that this was unfair.
This might sound elementary. But I wouldn’t write this if people were already good at it.
A good apology, to me, from someone I care about, is one of the most valuable things in the world. It shows that they’re paying attention. It shows that they genuinely are sorry — they’re not just saying so in order to get me to shut up. It shows that their relationship with me is more important than their sense of winning or losing.
In the example above, we might add:
I know that the way I’ve been behaving lately is putting you on edge too. And I know that’s not fair. What you want is a stable, loving home. And my stress and anger are actually getting in the way of that. That makes me feel awful. That’s not the man I want to be.
Does this make us feel weak for a moment? Sure it does. Of course it does. And who wants to feel weak? But let’s look at it this way: we already did the damage. It’s done. Now we can either choose to keep doing damage or we can choose to stop the bleeding.
It’s important to be able to put into words what you know about the other person. To be able to see what their values are and recite those values to them. To be able to see what it is they want, and show how you are going to help them get it. Or at least how you’re not going to stand in the way.
Now, describing how you’ll fix this.
Again — sounds comically elementary.
But what would you say if you had to present your case to the Queen? Or an audience of people you wanted to impress?
Ok, well… why is the person in front of you any less important than those people? This person is close to you. This person, more than likely, trusts you. Or at least wants to. This person actually matters in your life. They are worthy of your diligent effort.
Don’t just say “I’ll try not to do that again.” No laziness, now.
How about:
“I’m going to start seeing my therapist again.”
“I’m going to make more time for communication and intimacy with you. Two hours, every night, just you and me.”
“I’m going to start seeing my friends a couple nights a week, to help me unwind. I’m sure that will help me bring less of my bullshit home to you. It’ll be good for both of us.”
“I’m going to read this book I’ve been meaning to read. It talks about this exact topic and I think it’ll help me get a handle on myself.”
Show the person that you want to fix this. Not ignore, not rug-sweep, but fix. Develop skills that will make you stop doing this to them. Skills. Actionable, practical skills and wisdom. Not promises, not manipulative cuteness, not pleading to “just move on.” Action and skills. Make it right. Make it sturdy again.
In order to make any relationship work, you have to be willing to throw yourself on the floor for that relationship. To put yourself at the mercy of that person’s respect for you. There is no other way to build good relationships.
There are good examples everywhere of people and institutions who are bad at apologizing. It’s painful to watch them try, because you already know they’re full of shit and they keep doing it anyway. Like government agencies and employers and bad ex-boyfriends. Like the Federal Reserve, who keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. And then the Federal Reserve, like a bad ex-boyfriend, wants to keep having make-up sex but never stops hurting you.
Giving serious apologies makes you a solid person. It makes you feel weak in the moment, but it shows people over time that you are to be relied upon. That you are to be trusted. That you care more for others than you do for your own ego. And I’m by no means the best apologizer in the world — but I practice whenever I can. Because being a solid guy means a lot to me.
Revenge is best served cold, but crow is best eaten warm.
Drink some water and regret it deeply.
JDR
“Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstances, are brought into closer connection with you.” - Saint Augustine