Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert.
But then again, most people aren't. Including people who get paid to be relationship experts.
You ever notice how a lot of counselors and mental health professionals have disastrous personal lives? I've spent a lot of my life around mental health experts. Mostly as a client, and mostly because I was forced to be there by law, but we don't have to talk about that.
My point isn't to cut those people down. My point is, that's kind of funny in a sad way. And life is complicated. Relationships bring out the best and worst in us in a way that we aren’t prepared for. Rare is the person who can actually practice what he preaches, even when he gets paid to preach it. Maybe even especially when he gets paid to preach it.
Anyway. Relationships are complicated and trying and difficult. And the divorce rate is tragically high. It might honestly be a safer bet these days that any given marriage will fail, rather than succeed. And that's awful. That makes me really sad.
My own parents were divorced when I was eight years old. They were not right for each other. They were wrong for each other in just about every conceivable way. In fact, it's pretty unbelievable that they ever got married in the first place. I mean, what, did they both have their blinders on? Were they both out getting popcorn during the part when they were supposed to be getting to know each other? Were they not even paying attention to how horrendously incompatible they were? What a disaster.
Their divorce has become quite a cross for me to bear as a grown man. No, it didn't "traumatize me"... at least not any more so than any other human being gets traumatized as a child. I’m not special. It was a moderately ugly, moderately vindictive divorce. And it only got worse for several years. And it shook us up - my brothers and me. But the worst (and maybe best, in some way) part of the whole thing is that it made me afraid. It's not so much that I'm frightened by marriage. It's that I'm terrified by divorce. Divorce can be one of the ugliest and most destructive forces in human life.
To be clear, I'm glad my parents were divorced. Because the only thing worse than divorce was their marriage. They are great people, they just weren’t meant to be together. And I have long wondered how things got so bad. How did things end up that way? What could they have done differently? What does a good marriage look and feel like? Who, then, is the right partner for me? Because that - what they did - I don't want to do that. I want to take every possible step I can to make sure I don’t do that.
These are the questions that have plagued my adult life and made me inspect relationships with the diligence of a master jeweler. I want to understand what makes relationships good, and what makes relationships bad. I have learned a good deal of both.
A question I've begun to ask myself, as I've figured out who I am as a man, is about balance and needs. As I've developed a sense of what I truly need in a relationship and what I can live without, I’ve thought on this question more and more.
Two of the fundamental truths in relationships are:
- The timeless wisdom that you should take care of your partner and give of yourself to him/her without expecting anything in return, and
- The genuine human need to be cared for oneself.
Imagine you're a big, strong man. A man who is disciplined and sturdy. You want to take care of your wife - you are selfless and eager, and you genuinely want someone to cherish and protect.
But you are still a human being. You still have needs of your own. And to ignore those needs is not noble, it's foolish. It’s a recipe for resentment and failure. Most of us are not capable of giving endlessly in a Christlike waterfall of selflessness.
Maybe you, the big strong man, need someone to ask you about your work. Because your work is interesting and important to you. Or your hobby. You want a partner who is genuinely interested in what’s going on in your life.
Or maybe you need someone who goes out of her way to give you physical affection. Maybe a back rub a few evenings a week. Because that’s what makes you feel most appreciated. Or perhaps you have a need for someone to show their care for you through food, or little gestures, or by giving you compliments and kind words.
It makes no sense to act like you, the big strong man (or the librarian, or the businesswoman), have no needs of your own. Of course you do. You can’t just spend your whole life giving and giving, while not being cherished in return. Or maybe you can, in which case you are a stronger man than I.
A relationship is a partnership. Or at least it's supposed to be. The divorce rate disagrees with me, but the divorce rate also thinks Gamestop is a good company.
So where, then, is the line? Where is the line between these two requirements in a relationship? How does one balance these two axioms - to care for, and to be cared for?
It looks to me like what we need to talk about are selection steps, and maintenance steps. In that order.
First, I think selection of a mate and partner is a tragically undervalued and underattended process. When selecting a partner, we need to do the following three things deliberately:
1. Find someone who seems like they genuinely want to care for us. Find someone with a good, strong spirit. Someone who seems like they want to care for our well-being, make us feel worthwhile, make us feel like a good man or woman. Someone who is interested in us.
2. Spend enough time with this person to become reasonably sure that they will always feel this way. To be sure that they aren't playing games, that they aren't fickle or likely to change. We want to be as sure as we can be that this person will always value us the way they do now - and of course we must also value them this same way.
3. And finally, jump in with both feet. Take the risk. All relationships contain risk and uncertainty. That's unavoidable. And sometimes people do change, and things happen to people. But here, at our jumping-off point, we trust both our partner and ourselves that we are both in it for the long haul. And we get married, or otherwise commit ourselves.
It is crucial that we not waste time on frivolous relationships where we already know that the other person doesn’t value us this way. Or that we don’t value them this way. Too many people leave themselves trapped in half-assed relationships where this kind of care and attentiveness simply isn’t present. If it’s not now, it’s not likely to ever be. There’s no point in pretending.
And it goes without saying that, during these early steps, we are already working on being the best partner we can be. That’s the whole point. We are building. We are building the relationship we want - building that to which we want to commit. We must not hold anything back during these crucial early weeks, months, and years. We must show who we will actually be as a partner, and we must be able to trust that the other person is doing the same thing. To hold anything back during these steps is to erect a building using incomplete blueprints. Whoever does that is going to have a bad time.
Then, inside our hopefully-permanent relationship, we must attend to two ongoing maintenance procedures:
1. Here is where that timeless wisdom kicks in. We give, and give, and give. Because we should. Because we love them. And because we committed. We said that we would. And
2. We use every possible communication skill we can muster to grease, polish, shine, and otherwise care for the relationship. We calmly and lovingly vocalize what is good, what is working... and also what is not so good and not quite working. We don't hesitate to speak. We speak on small things so they don't become big things. We speak on good things and bad. We speak and make damn sure that nothing becomes so big that it causes one-sidedness or explosions or resentment.
So maybe in this way, we can have our relationship and eat it too. Maybe in this way, we can balance the two axioms we're trying so hard to balance.
We give, and we tend to the relationship like a farmer steadily to his crops. And, if we do these things properly, with a properly-chosen partner, it should follow that our needs will then be taken care of too. We don’t make demands, but instead we give more and more and try to make our partner as happy as we possibly can. Care for them as well as anyone ever could. And if we chose a good partner, and we do our job well, this person will give us the same kind of attentiveness and care.
Maybe careful selection will allow us the freedom to give and give without having advantage taken over us. Maybe by being more choosey with partners, we actually earn ourselves the privilege of giving and having it be consistently reciprocated.
I might just be pessimistic, but it doesn't look to me like most relationships have accomplished both. It doesn't look to me like most relationships are driven forward by genuine selflessness on both sides, or by stunningly effective communication. And that's a shame. We ought to do better than that.
It might sound like an empty truism, but remember that the average relationship is only average.
Well - I don’t want the average relationship. I want a real belter. I want the happiest and most encouraged wife I can possibly have. And that starts with me. That starts with me finding a person who appreciates and wants what I have to offer, and then giving it to her without hesitation. My ideal relationship starts with me knowing what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, and by being the best man I can be.
Too casually do we marry and have children. It’s as if we can’t even be bothered to take our time, to make good decisions for ourselves. Or, ever more importantly, for our children. There are too many broken homes and single parents. This can be improved by learning more about ourselves and being willing to be alone until we find what we need.
That’s something I have come to grips with, after many years of dating, desperation, and/or loneliness. I might never find the woman with that spirit that I need. The woman who feels like a gift from somewhere, designed just for me. The woman I truly want to build a life with. And you know what? I can accept that. If I never find the right woman, I will never marry. It’s as simple as that.
But doesn’t that sound awful? Well, yeah. Of course it does. Who wants to be lonely? But it’s better than committing myself to something that doesn’t even feel like it’s going to work. It’s better than marrying someone with whom there’s not an overwhelming mutual value-add.
I had a relationship in my life not long ago. I was being attentive, trying my best to be a good communicator… doing everything I knew how to do. I was trying to show this person that I was serious. Dead serious. That I wanted to talk about hard things, do hard things, and give her the best of myself. And I wanted to communicate honestly even when it sucked to communicate honestly. Even when I didn’t want to talk about it.
And I was trying to give as much as possible. To brighten her life for no reason other than because it would feel nice.
But then I felt resentment creeping up on me. I realized that my needs weren’t being recognized, and that it was only getting worse.
No, no. I can’t feel that. That’s the worst emotion there is. I talked to her. I told her, with my best attempt to be calm and loving and reasonable, the things that weren’t working. Weren’t satisfying me, weren’t making me feel like a worthwhile partner. And she didn’t seem to understand.
And you know what… that’s ok. I’ve got no interest in talking bad about her. She’s a really outstanding, lovable woman. There is such a thing as two people just not being right for each other. And maybe that was the force at work here.
But that also means that I have to hit the road.
Maybe I’m a strong man, maybe I’m a weak man. But what I do know is that I am a man who is honest about his needs. I am no saint, I am no perpetual giver. I want a partner. I want someone who looks out for me. That’s what I’m looking for in life.
I do think it’s possible to be the ideal partner while also getting one’s own needs met. To have a delightfully two-sided relationship instead of a parasitic one or a marriage of convenience.
Ugh. A marriage of convenience. What a depressing image.
I do think it’s possible. As with anything in life, it requires paying attention and being honest. And not committing to anything silly.
Water yourself and water your partner.
JDR
“Nothing you have not given away will ever really be yours.” - C.S. Lewis
Well, thanks for taking everything I think out of my head and writing it.
So now, I don't have to.
Great writing Justin, thanks. I’ve been married 20+ years and I think is brilliant insight into the dynamic of giving and needing….I really hope more people read it regardless of their age/status. Would be a great read for couples on a frequent basis to remind and help solidify their relationships….let me do just that….