7 Awful Human Behaviors
This note is part entertainment, part seriousness. And all truth. It’s less intellectual and more me calling people (and myself) out on our bullshit.
It is not an attack. But as with anything truthful, it’s bound to hurt some feelings. This note is not about anyone in particular. It’s about everyone. I’ve found all of these irritations in others, and it made me also find all of them in myself. That’s a good thing. Because then I can stop. When the problem is me, it’s the best thing in the world. Because that means I can fix it.
I rarely ever feel offended anymore when someone says something critical about my behavior, and I trust my readers to feel the same way. Pain is an indication that something needs to change.
Trust for others must be given generously in order to be a happy person. But I also know a list of behaviors that make me immediately not trust someone, because I have seen repeatedly that they are the banners flown by personalities that are bound to let me down. And I rarely ever find (or make) exceptions. Here is some of that list, in whatever order it happens to be in.
1. When people say too much
There’s a scene in the movie Body of Lies that I always found interesting. Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, CIA agent Roger Ferris, is in Jordan trying to expose and capture a known terrorist. His plan involves a complicated series of deceptions — including the deception of the most important ally he could possibly have. The head of Jordanian intelligence, Hani, has told Ferris that his mission (and maybe his life) will be forfeit if Ferris lies to him.
Ferris finds himself brought before Hani one night in a less-than-desirable manner. Because Hani suspects something. Hani also has Ferris’s associate captured at the scene, after this associate had been caught doing something that put their lives and their plans in danger. Hani turns to Ferris and asks if he knows what is going on. DiCaprio, in that restrained-angry-panicked voice that only he can pull off, replies, “I have absolutely no idea.”
“You see,” says Hani, immediately ten times more suspicious, “you could have said to me yes or no. Simply that. When a man says to me more than yes or no, then I begin to wonder.” The viewer already knows that Hani is right — that Ferris has been deceiving him. But it doesn’t take a CIA agent or an anti-terrorist leader to see why he says this. When people say too much, try too hard to explain, it gives them away. When a man is digging himself into a hole, as they say, let him keep digging.
2. Schmoozing
You know what a schmoozer is. It’s the car salesman who asks about your family and your job when all he really wants is to see how completely he can murder you on the price. It’s the guy at your weekly poker game who acts so glad to see you when you know for a fact that he doesn’t care if you’re there or not. It’s the guy who adds dripping-wet enthusiasm to every situation when you know full well he doesn’t mean it. That’s schmoozing.
A man (or woman) will use this tactic to impress or manipulate. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s often doing neither, because everyone knows this is precisely what he’s up to. It’s one of the lowest forms of human behavior. Even below puns. To think it isn’t shamefully transparent is an insult to the intelligence of everyone around him. Schmoozing is a blatant insult. I understand that “we should just live and let live,” and “well he’s really not hurting anybody.” But here’s the problem.
What he’s doing is putting me in a position where I have two options. I can either play along with phony behavior and waste my own time on performative interactions that aren’t even real, or I can call him out and make everybody’s day worse. I can either be dishonest, or I can be an asshole. I don’t appreciate being put in that position. The guy that puts me in that position is an asshole. Don’t perform for me. Just speak.
3. When people use the words alpha and beta
I’m not talking about alpha and beta in finance. I think those words are overused, but forgivable. I’m talking about men and women who categorize human beings into the alpha and beta subtypes. And, forgive me for pointing out the quite obvious, but they always seem to find themselves in the alpha camp. Huh. Funny how that works.
Once a man calls himself an Alpha Male™, he drops into nothingness in my eyes. He has given himself away to be a 16-year old boy. And it is very, very unlikely that he will ever have my respect again. This is the kind of game that is played by the most insecure members of our species. It’s the same thing as those people who go through life shouting “I don’t give a fuck.” Those are the people who, in fact, give the most fucks. They are absolutely obsessed with what people think about them. How embarrassing.
Let me put it this way. I have never once met a person whom I respected and admired, who used the words alpha and beta to describe human beings. Not one time.
4. When people talk about their sex lives publicly
What these folks are doing is trading the sanctity of their relationships for what they believe to be clout. They’re essentially trading the trust they have with their partners for some high fives and exciting conversations. If you don’t respect your partner or your relationship, why would I respect you? Not to mention… if you’re sexualizing your partner in front of other people, you’re dismantling their image of that person. Especially if it’s a woman. I would never want people to sexualize my wife or girlfriend, and it seems odd that anyone else would want to with theirs.
The pinnacle of this kind of behavior is when men want to be called “Daddy” and talk about it in public.
Look man, I get it. Everybody wants to be called that special name or title in the bedroom. We all have our things, and I am no exception. Most men want to feel worthy of worship. That’s what men want. That’s what testosterone wants us to want.
But my god partner, don’t embarrass yourself. It doesn’t make you look cool. It doesn’t make me want to give you a high five. It makes me want to get away from you. Because your insecurity is clearly overwhelming your judgment skills, and that’s dangerous.
And another word about the whole “Daddy” thing. The majority of men my age seem to want to be called that. But let me tell you something. If you want to be called a word which is that loaded with respect and authority and love, you better god damn earn it. You better take such good care of your wife that she wakes up every morning in a state of awe. You want something nice, be worthy of it.
5. When people spend time “predicting the future”
“Eventually our lives will be run by servant robots.” Oh nice, when? How soon? How are you going to balance that kind of freedom and indulgence against the human need to be productive? What exactly will your life look like?
“Lab-grown meat is the future, you watch.” Oh, wonderful. And how, exactly, is that going to affect human health outcomes? When is this coming, exactly? Which meatless protein companies are you investing in?
“You just wait… everybody will be driving electric cars in 10 years.” Oh nice, I was wondering when they were going to solve the dozens of impossible economic problems that are preventing that from happening. Turns out the answer is, tomorrow. Turns out all that stuff about rechargeable batteries and self-driving technology and supply chains and the average person not even being able to afford one was no big deal.
This is so painful, man. It’s so hard to listen to. It’s all masturbation, no nuance. If you’re going to talk about complicated things, at least have the self-respect to have specific things to say. Or have some skin in the game. Otherwise I can’t take you seriously and neither should anybody else.
People, including the smartest pundits and commentators in the public sphere, are horrendous at making technological and social predictions. It’s almost completely a waste of time. Read a book.
6. When people use the latest slang
And no, I’m not going to apologize for this one. I find it incredibly disappointing when people don’t have respect for language. It’s such a missed opportunity.
When everything that comes out of someone’s mouth is the latest batch of urban lingo or gamer lingo, I see a person who hasn’t grown up. I see a person who actively seeks outside approval. Because it’s not just a playful social phenomenon — it’s also a sign of low self-respect. It’s a sign that someone has not yet found his own voice, his own spine, his own personal appreciation for his own communication and relationships. It’s not just a “we’re just having fun” thing. It’s an “I have a mask on” thing. And of course I’m rooting for these guys to find their own voice. But until then, I don’t trust them to take anything seriously or make their own best judgments. The seeking of outside approval will always be in the way.
I’m sure it’s easy to read what I just said and think I’m overreacting. But I take this very seriously. One of the best ways to learn about someone, even more so than watching their actions, is listening to the way they speak. Their values show up in their words.
And, again, I’ve never met anybody wise who speaks this way. Wise people use language as a delicate and precise tool, not a repetitive blunt instrument that makes them just like everyone else.
7. When people insist on being heard
Being heard is a privilege. And it must be appreciated and earned.
I’ve met people who, when they’re about to make a joke, will lean or walk closer to everyone, raise their voice, and yank everyone’s attention forcefully onto themselves. Because they absolutely cannot bear the thought of someone missing their (mediocre) joke or story.
And I know people who treat Twitter or Facebook as a megaphone for opinions that are neither coherent nor useful. In fact, this is almost everyone. Shouting opinions into the internet doesn’t earn you anything other than an anxiety problem.
And I know people (including me) who have a problem with advice. They demand that others listen because they think they have the answer. I’m still working on this every day. I want to be a problem solver, and my ego can’t take it when I’m not.
An opinion should be held out with palms up, not pushed forward with palms down. An opinion should be offered, not shoved. If people in the room or on Twitter or in your family want the opinion, they’ll reach out and grab it. And if they don’t, calmly put it away.
Before you go
I read recently about the Liverpool Cotton Exchange. This organization was apparently founded by a man named Sir George Drinkwater. I have never been more pleased to learn something in my entire life.
Have a nice week and don’t be like any of the people I just described.
JDR
“The 'self-image' is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior.” - Maxwell Maltz